Unfinished

 From my last post in July to now, I have done a lot of thinking and processing of the events that permanently altered my life almost a year ago. I've done some healing, too. Unfortunately, although some would like to believe so, I'm not completely healed or cured. I still have, and will very likely always have, Bipolar I with psychotic features and PTSD. I have even experienced another psychotic episode, though it was much milder than before. I still have really rough days. Forgetting my medication for even one day can throw me into a tailspin. However, for the past month or so I've been in the healthiest mental state I've been in a long time. No doubt thanks to your prayers, finding a good medication combination, and biweekly therapy sessions. Having a couple good friends to get out and do things with occasionally has helped as well.

During this time I have questioned over and over things like, "Why did this have to happen? Why me? Why does life have to be so hard? God, why would you allow this to happen when you knew I was just trying to be faithful to you, to only come out looking a fool?"  I have questioned my faith in God, even wondering at times if I was becoming an agnostic. Strangely, my belief in God himself did not waiver but my belief in his power and his love did. I felt forgotten. I felt abandoned by the one who said he would never do that. I'd been let down too much by real people in my life, and now this...it was like the ultimate betrayal. My perception of the whole ordeal paved the way for my ongoing and worsening suicidality. Life was so hard, just to get through a single day, and feeling like my prayers were falling on deaf ears...it would just be easier to not even be here and deal with it all. My family would be better off without a chronically ill wife and mother, I thought. Thankfully, altering my medications helped lessen the suicidal thoughts and yes, even at times, plans.

More recently I've begun to wonder if maybe God has actually had his hand in this the whole time. During the onset of my illness, my prayer had been that God would use me for his kingdom no matter what it looked like, and no matter the cost. As I shared in previous posts, at the time I thought that he would be using me as a prophet. Though I was mistaken on that end, what if God did answer my bold prayer? To be used for his glory, no matter what? I said I would do anything for God. I was his instrument to be used as he saw fit.

In one light, it seems incredibly cruel to answer my prayer with a serious mental illness. I have struggled with this thought. But the truth of the matter is, I have wrestled with my mental health for years and just never had a name to put on it. I just happened to have my first psychotic break when I was praying to be used, and this event made my illness easy to diagnose. It was very likely going to happen at some point or another, especially with my genetics.

In another light, it's a kind of bitter-sweet beautiful. I cried out to God for him to use me, and now more than ever I can empathize with just about anybody because I've been in so many different situations in life, even the experience of losing my mind entirely and getting it back again. I don't mean to put myself on any kind of pedestal so please don't take it that way, but I truly feel as though I've had my "Job" moment (season, more like it) and can say that I know what one of the ugliest pains on the earth feels like. It propels me to defend the mentally ill and believe that their souls were died for as well. I know now that those who are "insane" are not always insane, there are episodes of illness and seasons of wellness (as well as one can possibly be).

I prayed before and I pray now that somehow my story is used to help someone else out and further the kingdom of God. In my most recent depressive episode (April - October 2017) I had been very reclusive, finding it hard to get out and about so my words and thoughts on my illness were all spread online. I hope that as I am getting better I can step out into my community and be used in some way.

As usual, I must include some song lyrics that mean a lot to me. Again, here's Mandisa...I feel like her songs tell my life story.

"Not scared to say it
I used to be the one
Preaching it to you
That you could overcome
I still believe it
But it ain't easy

'Cause that world I painted
Where things just all work out
It started changing
And I started having doubts
And it got me so down

But I picked myself back up
And I started telling me
No, my God's not done
Making me a masterpiece
He's still working on me

 

He started something good and I'm gonna believe it
He started something good and He's gonna complete it
So I'll celebrate the truth
His work in me ain't through
I'm just unfinished"
Lyric Video